Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  March 14, 2017 1:25am-2:01am PDT

1:25 am
- hello and welcome! we're glad you made it, brother! - who the hell are you? - we're just about to do a play about how much stealing hurts you deep inside. - come join us! - let's go! you're here forever! - no! noooooooooooo! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you! thank you so much!
1:26 am
welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you for tuning in! my guest tonight is the co-creator to have the tv shows "empire" and "star." leeld ilee daniels is here, eve! in the house! ( cheers and applause ) i'm so excited. first up, breaking news. >> well, the numbers are in. the house healthcare bill a ekey part of the new administration's agenda has been analyzed. >> the nonpartisan number crunchers in the congressional budget office determine 14 million people will join the ranks of the uninsured next year alone with 21 million in 2020 and 24 million in 2026. >> trevor: wow. 24 million fewer people will have health insurance? but which 24 million? i smell a reality show! ( laughter ) now, look, unlike republicans, we like to spend time with our healthcare numbers. so we'll jump into this
1:27 am
tomorrow, that's assuming trump doesn't invade sweden -- half a joke and half a warning to the people of sweden. before the news, after months of protest, the president of vehicle was impeached friday and removed from office. not hard to see this coming. she's a president of a major democracy but also involved in shady deals including scamming money through a bogus family foundation and most of all many said the president wasn't running the country herself. they said she had been manipulated by a shadowy advisor. i know this may seem completely foreign now, but, don't worry, you will understand it soon. ( laughter ) most people know very little about what's happening in south korea. in fact, the only thing we know for certain is over the weekend the crisis if south korea gave us th the greatest moment in the history of television ever. >> scandals happen all the time.
1:28 am
the question is how do democracies respond to the scandals? >> and what would -- surprised y do. um, pardon me. my apologies. ( sound of children in background ) >> what was it for the region? ( children noises ) >> my apology. north -- north korea -- south korea -- >> trevor: i'm sorry! no matter how many times i watch that video, this is why i love kids! no matter how seriously you take yourself, kids will mess up your (bleep). sure your dad can say, i'm going to on the bbc, but the kids say, no, we're going on ellen. i love the walk as well, it's
1:29 am
like, oh, yeah! the dad is thinking, no one will know i'm working from home. toddler busts in, having a good time! ( laughter ) look at that kid, it's like, good times! ( laughter ) the toddler is great and then the baby ubers in. what's going on there? this is the best video in history. and the hero has to be the mom who kramers into the room and airlifts both kids out at the same time -- in record time! i bet navy seals are watching that extraction like, man, if we would have had her with us, we would have gotten osama alive! she's amazing! i was shocked to see people online giving the dad a hard time for not helping with the kids. i understand what people are saying but maybe there is a reason he didn't get up to help. it's not just because he's on tv
1:30 am
doing an interview. obviously, people, he's not wearing pants. ( laughter ) no, this is a simple thing to understand. anytime someone is on television and you don't see the lower half of their body, they're not wearing pants. ( laughter ) how do i know this? because i'm one of them! ( cheers and applause ) this is what we do! there is no reason to wear them! that's all of us! every one you see on tv, to pants! jake tapper, gayle king, chuck todd, all of us, no pants! sometimes dr. phil doesn't wear pants, and he doesn't even have a desk! ( laughter ) all of us. that poor guy, man, he's trying so hard to get his message out. this reminded me of a giant metaphor for the trump administration. >> we have made it very clear that we believe that the first one was done in compliance with u.s. code in the authority granted to the president. this time, when we execute this, it's done in a manner that's flawless. and, so, we -- it's not a
1:31 am
question of delaying, it's a question of getting it right. we're taken the court's opinions -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: good times, good times. let's move on to donald trump's wiretapping scandal. if you remember, nine days ago, out of nowhere, donald trump accused president obama of illegally wiretapping him during the campaign, which sounds like a serious thing until you remember trump doesn't mean anything he says. unfortunately for trump, now that they've changed his title from mister to president, the tweets don't just stay on twitter. >> the week ends without president trump having provided etched of his claim that he was wire tapped by president obama. >> does the white house want this to go away or does this have legs? >> questions about the president demanding any and all proof, any evidence that he was wire tapped are not going away. >> trevor: that's right, like a bad viagra boner, this story is not going away. after trump accused obama of committing a major federal crime, the house intelligence
1:32 am
committee asked trump to furnish them with details or evidence of this heinous offense and they gave him a deadline, and that deadline was today. >> the department of justice appearing to miss a deadline today to hand over evidence that the obama administration wire tapped trump tower during the campaign. >> trevor: i'm so surprised. trump isn't going to present evidence. he doesn't even present evidence when he plays clue -- it was colonel mustard in the kitchen because he ease muslim! i win! i win! let's play "guess who?"! okay, you're philip. game over. i win again! ( laughter ) i'm not surprised trump missed another deadline. this is the same pressure who missed deadlines for his i.s.i.s. plan, his russian hacking info deadline -- we never heard about that. i'm still waiting for melania to give the press conference she promised on whether she was
1:33 am
working illegally when she first came to america. deadline after deadline, trump says, let me tell you, and he never does. basically, trump is a magician who never finishes a trick. ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, i've placed this lady into a box! all right, let's move on. look at this hat, empty! all right, move on. i want you to think of a number, any number -- thank you very much. what's the trick? i'm the president, right? are you not entertain? i'll be here four years, thank you very much. thank you. no magic trick is completely without the bumbling assistant. >> is it phony or real when he says president obama was wiretapping? >> he doesn't think president obama tapped his phone personally. the president used the word wire tapped in quotes to mean broadly surveillance and other activities during that -- >> trevor: i see... so after a week of saying obama illegally tapped donald trump's
1:34 am
phones, now the excuse is wires tapped was figurative because he used quotes. which is a pretty solid lie because "wires tapped" could mean that obama snuck into trump tower and gave donald a surprise vasectomy. ( laughter ) oh, no! i had my -- "wires tapped ." and melania is, like, oh, no. i am "sad." okay. quotation marks mean it doesn't mean anything. ( laughter ) why don't we just tattoo quotation marks around the president's mouth? by the way, kellyanne conway, as always, gold. >> do you know whether trump tower was wire tapped? >> what i can say is there are many ways to surveil each other now, unfortunately. >> do you believe there was -- >> there was an article the week that talked about how you can surveil someone through their
1:35 am
phones, certainly through their television sets, any number of different ways, and microwaves that turn into cameras, et cetera. >> microwaives that turn into cameras? kellyanne conway may have been said crazy things about microwaves but at least she finally learned how to sit on a couch. we'll be right back! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ( ♪ ) woman: so this happened. elyse broke out some lime-a-rita's and that's when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. next thing we know nikki started doing an impression of her boyfriend's romantic face, which is apparently similar to tess's opening-a-jar face. which we all agree looks like zoe's mascara face. (laughter) there goes our dinner reservation. ( ♪ ) lime-a-rita. make it a margarita moment.
1:36 am
lime-a-rita. nobody does unlimited like t-mobile.
1:37 am
while the other guys gouge for unlimited data... t-mobile one save you hundreds a year. right now get two lines of data for $100 dollars. with taxes and fees included. that's right 2 unlimited lines for just $100 bucks. all in. and right now, pair up those two lines with two free samsung galaxy s7 when you switch. yup! free. so switch and save hundreds when you go all unlimited with t-mobile. ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra.
1:38 am
you know ipad pro can replace a mscanner, pad of paper, and laptop, so you can get rid of that old stuff. yeah, but i'm not getting rid of this. nobody said you had to. goood! we're best friends.
1:39 am
1:40 am
"the daily show"! it's march, people, which means march madness, and here at "the daily show," we have our own bracket tournament which we call third month mania because our lawyers say it's generic enough not to get sued. our tournament isn't about basketball. it's about something much more important -- donald trump's tweets. insults, conspiracy theories, weird punctuation. so this year, on "third month mania".com, you can vote to decide which is the single greatest donald trump tweet of all time. there are some crazy ones. for more, let's go to roy wood, jr. and hasan minhaj to help break down the brackets! ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah! >> yeah! >> trevor: "third month mania" guys! >> roy, this is going to be an amazing tournament. >> it sure, is hasan! what trump tweet is the greatest? >> not an easy question. this is a man who has tweeted
1:41 am
nearly 35,000 times! >> and in order to narrow it down to our 64 contenders, we had to read through every single one of his tweets! >> sometimes i still see them when i close my eyes. let's talk about the four divisions this year. we've got celebrity tweets. tweets about trump's enemies, government affairs and a bunch of random (bleep) we call w.t.f. >> four very competitive trump tweet regions, hasan. >> let's start in the celebrity region where the number one tweet is trump going at his biggest foe rosie o'donnell, baby. >> huh-oh. >> sorry, @rosy is a mentally sick woman, a bully, a dummy and above all a loser. other than that, she's just wonderful! >> ooh! just an incredible flurry of insults in just 140 characters. >> i love how he tries to redeem it at the end. like my dad says, hasan, you're dumb, a dues grace to everyone
1:42 am
in my family, but technical you're still my son. >> that's cold. >> for an indian family, that's a lulu buy, baby. i love you, pop! >> cool. in round one that rosy tweet is up against mileycyrus. @mileycyrus is on a triky and slippery path. the wrong move needs too givion. guidance! all caps. is he giving the guidance? >> i think he's describing the concept of guidance. >> maybe you yell out "guidance" when someone needs help. guidance! >> guidance! >> it's trikiy situation but i think rosey will come out on top. >> let's move on to the government affairs regiony the quey match up is about the electoral college in. 2012 trump called it a disaster
1:43 am
for democracy. 2016 four years later he says, "the electoral college is actually genius." >> this is classic trump tweeting. dude takes two sides on every single issue. >> knows there's a paper trail, doesn't give a (bleep). >> which one of these is going to win, hasan? >> i don't know, man, but this time it wants up to you guys and this time the popular vote actually matters. >> oh, satire! now, over in the w.t.f. region is my personal favorite tweet to go all the way. quote, i would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers on this special day september 11th. ♪ in the rockets' red glare >> what can you say here? here's a man who truly understands the spirit of 9/11. >> patriotism, unity and letting them haters know, i see yo ass! ( laughter ) >> and finally the enemies'
1:44 am
region where my money is on this classic. barney frank looked disgusting, nipples protruding in his blue shirt before congress, very, very disrespectful. i don't know what that means. i don't know what the (bleep) it means! >> a congressman's nipples once disrespected our feature president! >> you can't hold a man accountable for what his nipples do! >> you're right. that's why i take mine down before we film. >> guidance! guidance... >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> so now it's up to you at home to decide which tweets advance to the round of 32. >> the first round is open. go vote at thirdmonthmania.com and share your pics with your friends. >> and hurry up before trump tweets more crazy (bleep). back to you, trevor. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thanks, guys. we'll be right back. ♪(music plays)
1:45 am
♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho heigh ho it's off to work we go here's to all of you early risers, what's up man? go-getters, and should-be sleepers. from all of us at delta, because the ones who truly change the world, are the ones who can't wait to get out in it.
1:46 am
because the ones who is time you make for yourself. aveeno® daily moisturizing lotion with active naturals® oat. locks in moisture to improve skin wellness in just one day. aveeno® naturally beautiful results®
1:47 am
drop and give me 50. what's in it for me? sir! excuse me! well, thanks to hotels.com i've gotten used to being rewarded. that's right. what did you just say private? he's a captain, sir! a captain? where? on tv. following orders isn't always rewarding. but hotels.com is. who are you talking to? unlock instant savings now and earn free nights to use later. hotels.com.
1:48 am
♪ ♪ smoking as a teen can permanently stunt your lungs, taking the air out of even the biggest and baddest.
1:49 am
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a director, producer, writer and co-creator of "empire" and "star" on fox. >> i don't want anybody phony. i want someone that's -- >> real. you need somebody who is going to act in your best interest at all times. i have been around this game, i've seen all the angles, and i would never lie to you. >> you actually want the to do something like this towards
1:50 am
missy? >> yeah. >> that's one of the most beautiful gestures i've seen. you are so nice when you're pregnant. it's so weird. >> wow, you really know how to ruin a moment. >> did you hear what you just said to hear? >> yeah, you said pregnant right now. >> trevor: please welcome lee daniels! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: lee, welcome. welcome to the show. i'm a huge fan of everything that you make. >> thank you, bro. >> trevor: like, when will it stop? how much creativity do you possess in your mind? "star" was a show that came out of nowhere for me. how did you get the inspiration for the show? >> a combination of "crime girls" on broadway and my kids. we're at a difficult time in america and i wanted to share what i had in my head.
1:51 am
i fear for my son, i fear for my nephews, and i fear for america. >> trevor: how did it feel when creating one of the characters in "star" who is a young man, who is a hero, and he's really working through things. he's also a "black lives matter" protester. and one thing that kept swirling in my mind was the fact that here is this kid who is pro "black lives matter," and i know from your personal story that your dad was a policeman who was gunned down during a holdup. >> mm-hmm. >> trevor: there are not many people who have stories that conflict the way yours do. >> yeah. >> trevor: on one hand, you have people saying we need more respect from the police, and we don't even feel like they are an institution that protects us. on the other hand, you grew up under the police. how do you create that story? >> it's really, really a fascinating question, and i'm
1:52 am
still trying to find the answer to it, because i was told to respect the police. my dad was a cop, and he was killed when i was 12. and at a time at the height of racism during rizzo's regime in philadelphia, they were killing black people left and right, yet at my father's casket, there were a ton of white men, cops, crying over his funeral, over his casket. so what defines racism? i don't really quite know what that means. it really baffles me to this day, because i saw grown-ass white men crying over my dad's casket. >> trevor: when you delve into that, you realize that there are paradoxes galore. it doesn't seem to match up. like you're saying, the race on one side, you're looking at these police that have a history in the community and then on the
1:53 am
other they see your father as a man. >> he risked his life. he was a hero. >> trevor: do you still feel that in your life today to a certain extent? do you ever see that beyond just maybe your dad? or is this something that you take with you where you realize that's happening again in a different way? >> my dad told me i had two strikes against me -- one, i was black and, secondly, that i was gay. so i carry that with me. i carry that as a badge. i carry that with honor, and i carry that with -- i try to take that with me into all of the work that i do. >> trevor: yeah. as a black man who is gay who works on a show that has a lot of hip-hop, how do you -- how do you tackle that -- >> how do i navigate that. >> trevor: how do you navigate that? >> i think there is a lot of homophobia within the hip-hop world and i think that, for me, the elite artists that i work
1:54 am
with, some of which are hopeo phobic -- homophobic, and i think they don't look at me as gay man. they look at me as a racist would michael jackson. >> trevor: where they put the artist above the color. >> yeah. >> trevor: that's powerful. >> ain't no different from my father and the white racists looking down on him crying. what defines it? there is no black or white. there is that grey area and that is what we all are made of and that is what it is we try to do with my storytelling. >> trevor: i've only spent a few minutes with you but i can feel how everything gets into your movies and your tv shows. this is amazing. >> thank you, man. >> trevor: thank you very much for your time. i really appreciate it. thank you so much for being here. "empire" returns on march 22 and season finale on stars march 15th on fox. lee daniels, everybody! ready or not, here i come.
1:55 am
winner gets the cheetos! it's go time. lights out. ok, not funny you guys. this is not how we play hide and seek. that's what you think pops. [from the bathroom]: alright, very funny, let me out. and the student has surpassed the master. blue moon is brewed with valencia orange peel, ♪ for a taste that shines brighter. you know, ipad pro a mess siand apple pencileep. have revolutionized the way we take notes. and if you fell asleep... you could even record them... just in case. ouch.
1:56 am
nobody does unlimited like t-mobile. while the other guys gouge for unlimited data... t-mobile one save you hundreds a year. right now get two lines of data for $100 dollars. with taxes and fees included. that's right 2 unlimited lines for just $100 bucks. all in. and right now, pair up those two lines with two free samsung galaxy s7 when you switch. yup! free. so switch and save hundreds when you go all unlimited with t-mobile. we kwaxed and shined.to be treated like a trophy. we have seen the glory come, go, and come again. but a cadillac is no trophy. what you see is our future
1:57 am
and it will inspire every car that follows. ♪ ♪
1:58 am
1:59 am
tonight. thanks for tuning in. @midnight is next. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> in the bronx, people are bundled up for the freezing temperatures worried the snow will cover the
2:00 am
wcomedy central [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight which doesn't make me nervous, because i am a human man who has not been cursed by a witch. wikileaks founder julian assange locks like an albino lab ferret.

59 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on